So, after a few months of him texting a woman he works with and me accusing him of having an affair, it came to a head on (Not) Good Friday when my husband told me he is filing for divorce. Words really can't describe the emotions I have right now, barely two days later. I'm hurt, scared, worried, stressed. I feel unwanted, unneeded, unattractive. I feel like a failure to my son, my family, my self.
I know I wasn't a very good wife. I was paranoid and afraid most of the time, but I loved him with every ounce of my being. I didn't always show it, but I did.
He made my heart race every time he kissed me. He rubbed my feet. He treated my son like Trey was his own. He dropped kisses on top of my head, which made me feel safe and loved. He worked long hours to make sure my child and I had everything we needed and often bought us gifts for no reason.
You ask what he did wrong? He was emotionally detached. He didn't like most of my friends. He lied about wanting to have a child with me. He texted a woman he worked with who he claimed was "just a friend", but never talked about her. I didn't know she existed until I scrolled through the contacts in his phone looking for a mutual friend's number I had forgotten. He texted her...a lot. More than he ever texted me, and I was his wife. He and I worked different shifts, and he and his work friend had overlapping shifts. I reentered the work force after almost two years, just so we would have some extra money and plan our delayed honeymoon. He started working 7 days a week even though it wasn't required because he said we needed the money. With the exception of three quick pecks on the lips, he didn't kiss me. He rarely hugged me. He worked the night shift and I work the day shift, so sex was unheard of. Even on the weekends I was home and the kiddo was gone, Ryan didn't express the desire to touch me.
So how do I live? My world has been torn apart on a weekend I thought would help bring us closer together. My son is distraught over the fact he has to change schools at the end of this school year, leaving his friends behind. I'm distraught over the fact I'm 35 years old, soon to be a single mom, and moving in with my parents...again. Trey and I probably won't have insurance from the time the divorce is final until November, when my employer has open enrollment. I can't afford an attorney for the divorce (which Ryan is filing for sometime this week), and I'm dumber than hell when it comes to legal speak. Trey and I have to live in Ryan's house for another 6 weeks, which is when Trey is done with school for the year.
How do I live? The only way I can right now, which is one day at a time. I have family and friends who are very supportive, but they can't comfort me the way I want to be comforted right now. They can't hug and kiss the nightmares away, or lay in bed with me and plan our future. I haven't been happy for a while, but I didn't think it would come to this. I'm an emotional and physical wreck now that it has.
