Scary Stuff

Last Friday, I went for my first mammogram - ever. I've heard many horror stories about this medical procedure, but I needed to have it done because my OB/GYN found a lump in my breast. Probably not a big deal, he said, but it needed to be checked out. And I'm now 30 and supposed to have this done every three years, so this seemed like a good time to do it.

After being reassured by many friends and my mom, off I went to the hospital - alone. If I knew the following events were going to unfold, I would have enlisted an army to go with me.

The mammogram itself was not a big deal - two little squeezes on each breast and it was over. Then I sat in a tiny little room with crappy outdated magazines waiting for the results. A nurse came in AN HOUR LATER and informed me that I needed to have an ultrasound on my breast because the doctor didn't like the looks of the lump. I was rushed to the ultrasound room and saw said lump for the first time. It looked a little like a set of upside - down deformed Mickey Mouse ears. Due to the fact that I know so many people that have had tumors, I knew that a misshapen lump wasn't a good sign.

A short time later, a radiologist, ultrasound tech, and MY doctor entered the room. None of the liked the way the lump looked, so they ordered a biopsy. That's what I had done to me yesterday, and that's the scariest stuff of all.

I won't go into gory details, but you'll get the general idea if you've ever watched somebody getting liposuction on the Discovery Channel or that "Dr. 90210" show on E! network. My mom went with me, and totally freaked out when a 30 minute procedure turned into an hour and a half torture session.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching since last Friday. I've started getting all my legal things in order, just in case the tissue samples come back malignant. I got most of my hair cut off - that way I won't feel so sad when it falls out if I have to have chemo. I've checked into my life insurance situation at work, so maybe my son can still go to Notre Dame if I have cancer and it gets the best of me. I'm totally bummed that I can't go back to Los Angeles for a week at the end of June/beginning of July, because I might be going through chemo or radiation and I would be too sick to go. I don't have a negative attitude about all of this, I'm just being realistic. I have to have everything in order because I'm worried about this situation.

But I have lots of people praying for me and keeping me in their thoughts. Knowing that people care that much about me means the world to me, and I'm a firm believer in the power of positive thinking, so hopefully this will all work out. I also have plenty of activities to occupy my time, so that's helping to keep my mind off of what's going on. I mean, it's hard to be depressed around a bunch of 7-12 year old Little League baseball players or my bowling team. I'll find out the results of my biopsy on Tuesday or Wednesday of this upcoming week, so it's not that long of a wait.

The Secret of Life

I contemplated my life today. Not much went on at work , and my brain got bored and began to wander. Sometimes that's good, but I think this was one of those days when letting my mind wander wasn't such a good idea.

Here are the facts: I am 30 years old, unmarried with a child, and in a dead-end relationship with my boyfriend of 7 years. I really don't see myself marrying him, but I have no other options because I don't go out and meet new people. It's not that I don't want to go out, it's just that I can't. I met new people in LA, and look how that turned out! I didn't go there looking for a hook-up, but I wouldn't have been disappointed if one happened...

I am also faced with the fact that I might have to undergo a life-altering surgery that would make me unable to have any more children. Men usually don't date women with children that aren't theirs, so I'm thinking my options will be even more limited if I can't have any more children. I'm sure the wedding dress I bought last year will continue to hang in my closet. Maybe my son's fiancee would like to wear it in about 20 years...

There are a couple of guys I'm interested in, but I have no idea how they would feel about the idea. The last time I told a guy how I felt about him, our friendly relationship got strained and just plain "weird". Maybe I'm afraid of losing another friend, or maybe I'm afraid of the crushing blow that's delivered to my ego when feelings aren't reciprocated.

No matter what the reason is, I'm convinced of one thing - I'm a scaredy-cat. I'm afraid to leave what's comfortable and routine to me (my relationship with my boyfriend) to strike out on new adventures and relationships. I would love to find a different guy to have a romantic relationship with. I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon, but I wish it would!

So, what is the so-called "secret of life"? If I knew, I would tell you. But I can tell you this - live every day as if it were your last.