I contemplated my life today. Not much went on at work , and my brain got bored and began to wander. Sometimes that's good, but I think this was one of those days when letting my mind wander wasn't such a good idea.
Here are the facts: I am 30 years old, unmarried with a child, and in a dead-end relationship with my boyfriend of 7 years. I really don't see myself marrying him, but I have no other options because I don't go out and meet new people. It's not that I don't want to go out, it's just that I can't. I met new people in LA, and look how that turned out! I didn't go there looking for a hook-up, but I wouldn't have been disappointed if one happened...
I am also faced with the fact that I might have to undergo a life-altering surgery that would make me unable to have any more children. Men usually don't date women with children that aren't theirs, so I'm thinking my options will be even more limited if I can't have any more children. I'm sure the wedding dress I bought last year will continue to hang in my closet. Maybe my son's fiancee would like to wear it in about 20 years...
There are a couple of guys I'm interested in, but I have no idea how they would feel about the idea. The last time I told a guy how I felt about him, our friendly relationship got strained and just plain "weird". Maybe I'm afraid of losing another friend, or maybe I'm afraid of the crushing blow that's delivered to my ego when feelings aren't reciprocated.
No matter what the reason is, I'm convinced of one thing - I'm a scaredy-cat. I'm afraid to leave what's comfortable and routine to me (my relationship with my boyfriend) to strike out on new adventures and relationships. I would love to find a different guy to have a romantic relationship with. I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon, but I wish it would!
So, what is the so-called "secret of life"? If I knew, I would tell you. But I can tell you this - live every day as if it were your last.
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