A Little Over 4 Months Later I've been busy.  Sue me.  Anyway...My divorce was final July 8th, and a lot happened between that day and my last blog post.  For me, blogging is therapeutic.  Bug out now if you don't like it.My now ex-husband and I signed divorce papers on May 4th, and that's the last time I've seen him or heard his voice.  My son and I moved out of his house on April 27th.  My ex said we could live there until the divorce was final, but there's no way I would've made it that long.  I was laid off from my job on April 28th due to lack of work and my "current emotional state", as the HR lady put it.  Ryan and I exchanged many emails and texts during that time period - some nice, some awful.A couple of weeks after we moved out, I ran into a high school friend, who is a former co-worker and currently works with my ex-husband.  He told me many horrible things about the man I married.  I don't know how much of the stuff he told me is true, but it's sickening to think I was married to Ryan for as long as I was if these things really happened.  On top of that, the jerk stole the licence plate off my car!Bottom line is, I'm happy now.  Lonely, but happy.  Trey and I are living with my parents so I can save some money.  They bicker from time to time and play the TV WAY too loud, but things are good overall.  I'm so blessed to have them in my life, and I'm grateful they let us come back.Trey has adjusted to his new (old) school very well.  A few kids remembered him from the last time he went to school here, and welcomed him back.  People say kids are resilient, and they're right.  Trey has been my rock through all of this.  He hugged me and held my hand through panic attacks those first few days, and made me laugh & smile with his wicked sense of humor.  I, in turn, became stronger during those rare moments when Trey broke down.  When he was little I told him "You and I are like glue...we stick together", and that's true to this very day.  He never once blamed me for the divorce even though my ex told him it was all my fault.As for me, well...I've come a long way.  I now know I'm pretty, smart, and funny.  My ex never told me any of these things, but other men have recently.  I don't think they're lying to me.  One of the first things I did when I moved out of my ex's house was cut and lighten my hair.  He always wanted my hair to be long and dark.  Personally, I think I'm more me when I'm blonde.  I quit my job a couple of months ago and went to a job that pays more.  Not much more, but it's still more.  I'm doing physical work again, and I've slimmed down a little.  I feel better about myself and it shows.  I haven't had an ear infection since I moved out, and that's probably due to the fact my dad discovered black mold in my ex's house.  That stuff's nasty and can do a lot of harm.  I haven't had a "freak out fit of rage" since living at Mom & Dad's, either.  I went to the doctor and got some health problems taken care of.  My ex wouldn't let me go to the doctor unless I was in extreme pain. 

I'm not afraid of being in a relationship or even getting married again.  I would love that opportunity, but I'm going to be a lot more cautious.  I know more warning signs and red flags now, and I won't be afraid to bail out if I think I need to.  I don't think my expectations are too low, but I do think they're too high for the kind of men I usually seem to attract.  All I require are love, affection, and the occasional compliment.  Gifts for no reason are nice, but not necessary.  I'm a simple and practical kind of girl, but I'm a hopeless romantic as well.  I would love to be in a relationship where I'm swept off my feet but I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon.                          

How Do I Live?

So, after a few months of him texting a woman he works with and me accusing him of having an affair, it came to a head on (Not) Good Friday when my husband told me he is filing for divorce.  Words really can't describe the emotions I have right now, barely two days later.  I'm hurt, scared, worried, stressed.  I feel unwanted, unneeded, unattractive.  I feel like a failure to my son, my family, my self.

I know I wasn't a very good wife.  I was paranoid and afraid most of the time, but I loved him with every ounce of my being.  I didn't always show it, but I did.

He made my heart race every time he kissed me.  He rubbed my feet.  He treated my son like Trey was his own.  He dropped kisses on top of my head, which made me feel safe and loved.  He worked long hours to make sure my child and I had everything we needed and often bought us gifts for no reason.

You ask what he did wrong?  He was emotionally detached.  He didn't like most of my friends.  He lied about wanting to have a child with me.  He texted a woman he worked with who he claimed was "just a friend", but never talked about her.  I didn't know she existed until I scrolled through the contacts in his phone looking for a mutual friend's number I had forgotten. He texted her...a lot.  More than he ever texted me, and I was his wife.  He and I worked different shifts, and he and his work friend had overlapping shifts.  I reentered the work force after almost two years, just so we would have some extra money and plan our delayed honeymoon.  He started working 7 days a week even though it wasn't required because he said we needed the money. With the exception of three quick pecks on the lips, he didn't kiss me.  He rarely hugged me.  He worked the night shift and I work the day shift, so sex was unheard of.  Even on the weekends I was home and the kiddo was gone, Ryan didn't express the desire to touch me.

So how do I live?  My world has been torn apart on a weekend I thought would help bring us closer together.  My son is distraught over the fact he has to change schools at the end of this school year, leaving his friends behind.  I'm distraught over the fact I'm 35 years old, soon to be a single mom, and moving in with my parents...again.  Trey and I probably won't have insurance from the time the divorce is final until November, when my employer has open enrollment.  I can't afford an attorney for the divorce (which Ryan is filing for sometime this week), and I'm dumber than hell when it comes to legal speak.  Trey and I have to live in Ryan's house for another 6 weeks, which is when Trey is done with school for the year.

How do I live?  The only way I can right now, which is one day at a time.  I have family and friends who are very supportive, but they can't comfort me the way I want to be comforted right now.  They can't hug and kiss the nightmares away, or lay in bed with me and plan our future.  I haven't been happy for a while, but I didn't think it would come to this.  I'm an emotional and physical wreck now that it has.

Oh No, He Didn't!

   The following conversation took place at approximately 4:30 a.m. on Friday, February 11, 2011.


Me:  So, honey...what are you going to buy for me for Valentine's Day?


Hubby:  Uh...I don't know.


Me:  I was just wondering.  I don't want you to feel obligated or anything like that.


Hubby:  Oh, I don't feel obligated.


What...the ...hell?!?


   I don't expect a gift, but I know he hasn't thought about buying me anything.  That pisses me off.  I bought him a gift.  Hopefully, it won't be like the XM Satellite Radio I bought for him for Christmas.  It's on a dresser in our bedroom, still in the box.  Ungrateful much, dear husband?
   I've been sick (again!) for the last couple of days, and didn't feel like going to Muncie for dinner tonight.  Hubby went and got Papa Murphy's pizza, which I like.  While eating, I asked him if we were going out for dinner Monday night.  He looked me in the eye and said "Nope.  This is Valentine's Day dinner".  Again, I say "what the hell?!?"
   Let me go on the record as saying I'm not much of a girly-girl.  I prefer jeans and t-shirts, love football and racing, and I hate romantic comedies.  However, I'm a hopeless romantic.  I want that all-encompassing kind of love you read about in books or see in movies.  An "I don't want to live without you" kind of love.  I want my husband to hold my hand when we're out in public and occasionally tell me I look nice.  I don't get that.  I once asked my husband "Would you ever be happy if I wasn't here?".  His response:  "I would only be content at first, but I'm sure I would be happy again eventually".  Wow.  Just...wow.
   Peter Cetera said it best when he sang "Everybody needs a little time away (I heard her say) from each other.  Even lovers need a holiday far away from each other".  Earlier this evening, I talked with my husband about taking a vacation this summer...BY MYSELF.  I think he agrees with those lyrics, because he has no problem with it.  He even told me he would help me finance my trip.  Where to go, where to go?  I'm thinking of going to a far away and magical place where the stars shine day and night.